Female Comebacks

Man:Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman:Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man:Is this seat empty?
Woman:Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man:Your place or mine?
Woman:Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man:So, what do you do for a living?
Woman:I'm a female impersonator.

Man:Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman:Do not enter.

Man:How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman:Unfertilized

Man:Your body is like a temple.
Woman:Sorry, there are no services today.

Man:I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman:But would you stay there?

Man:If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman:If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Pets & Animals

http://adamdrayer.blogspot.com/

Just Trust Me on This

Cheese
Cheese is a beermat that's twenty feet tall and can easily be recycled.

Kraft macaroni
Kraft macaroni is a pair of shoes that plays Sokoban! It takes high-quality digital photos and craves attention.

cream of wheat
cream of wheat is a contraceptive device that plays the American national anthem! It hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

trojan
trojan is a TV remote control that can communicate with your golf club! It keeps drinks cold and communicates via Instant Messenger.

steinway
steinway is a DVD player that's water-absorbent and changes colour.

Sony
Sony is a tricycle that self-replicates! It helps the medicine go down.

Mason and Hamlin
Mason and Hamlin is like a normal contact lens, but it defies gravity.

Johnson and Johnson
Johnson and Johnson is a sheet of paper that's great for hammering in nails! It is solar-powered.

McDonald's
McDonald's is a milk carton that feeds your pets and counts your loose change.

Coca-Cola
Coca-Cola is a parachute that remembers all of its past actions and doesn't need oiling.
[ed. note: I'll show YOU a parachute that doesn't need oiling!]

McMaster Carr
McMaster Carr is a postage stamp that's heavier than it looks, hums incessantly and is oak-panelled.

Scotch
Scotch is a lunchbox that sorts your mail! It talks.

Jack Daniels
Jack Daniels is a DVD player! It works at twice the normal speed!

Budweiser
Budweiser is like a normal burglar alarm, but it cuts through stone as if it were butter.

Amstel Light
Amstel Light is a headband that can be used by several people at once! It can speak French and can only be operated by a trained professional.

Anal R. Gapings
Anal R. Gapings is a button-badge that looks like a pot-plant! It gets +2 to kill undead.

Miller
Miller is a contraceptive device that has no moving parts!

Ford
Ford is a webcam that's covered with realistic fur! It is perfectly safe to use.

Chrysler
Chrysler is a newly-discovered breed of fish that has a leopardskin print! It can play chess and self-replicates.

Toyota
Toyota is a DVD player that sounds better than it looks, remembers all of its past actions and has velcro pads on the side.

Honda
Honda is a car that sorts your mail, communicates with other copies of itself and won't make a hole in your wallet.
[Ed.: Really?]

Ragtime
Ragtime is an aquarium that's not suitable for children, disables itself if it's taken more than 100 feet away from its base and receives data from any nearby robotic dog.

Universal
Universal is like a normal trouser press, but it emits a constant high-frequency whine.

Seeburg
Seeburg is a marker pen that displays a slideshow of pictures, plays a mean game of Go and costs less than £20.

Wurlitzer
Wurlitzer is like a normal pen, but it freezes anything it touches.

I could go on, but you get the idea.

Read more on http://www.stories.vaty.net/

Hahaha

Little Melissa came home from first grade and told her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian Saint and we're Jewish," she asked, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thought a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she answered.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asked in shock.

"Well," she replied, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swelled and he looked at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know, Daddy," Melissa said, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."